She laughed. I can’t believe she actually laughed.

Getting my mom to laugh before her various illnesses and progressing state of vascular dementia was challenging. How odd. Now, she laughs more.

What a gift. Even if it is only once in a while, it is a gift.

Just for a moment her dark house with curtains on every window, lit up.

The other day I was helping her change her socks and shoes, or maybe I was putting on her comfy white slippers?? I don’t remember. Because of her congestive heart failure, sometimes her feet swell up. I looked at her feet and said to her in a straight voice, “your toes look like little cocktail party sausages!’

Well, she howled. Tears, snot, and drool streamed from her face. I was delighted.

This is something that I probably never would have said to her in the past. Maybe because the tone in her house was always so serious and a bit depressing. Or maybe because I never helped her put her shoes on before.

To me it seems that the bit of dementia that has set in has created a sort of “giddy forgetfulness” in her — as if she has always just had one glass of wine. It appears that she is happier now that she can’t think, or should I say “over-think” so much.

I bet we all could use a bit this type of forgetfulness. It seems her illness has brought her more into the present moment.

Who would have thunk it? Dementia = yoga.

Stephanie Pappas and the Dolphin Healer Yogi

In 2001, I had an eye twitch for 3 months after the 9/11 event, and teaching yoga in a boys prison camp. The twitch was so annoying and it only went away when I ran vigorously on the canal path along the Delaware River.

So,  I went on a vacation to Tulum, MX  with my yoga friend John F. and swam with some amazing dolphins. It was his birthday gift to me.

I was so touched by their gentleness and compassion.

I cried like a baby at dinner afterwords. The Mayan waiter, Ramon, was really the manager at Zamas Restaurant on the beach, but was filling in that night because they were short-staffed. Ramon was understanding, and listened to my glassy-eyed dolphin tourist story of that day with a big smile and kind eyes.

One year later, on yet another Tulum vacation, I ended up getting shown a piece of property in Tulum town from that same Ramon, and buying it with cash over coffee! His uncle was the owner, and the mayor of the town.

And so goes the circular journey of magic in this life!

It seems that anything very significant that has every happened to me, I realize  has happened with little or no effort on my part.

Yes, it is true. I have been to hell and back…hate to admit that, but it’s true. And who hasn’t in one way or another.

It is good to be back, though. And if hell comes again, I know that I can “unlike” it or “unfriend” it, like I do on in modern times facebook. Or simply be fully with it, and experience it like I have in the past. This juicy stuff of life never ends!

Sticky, and juicy.

Christmas 2011

We intuitively know something is wrong in society and in this world
when we see pictures of starving children and animals with their
faces bashed in on facebook.

We know how to birth; literally and figuratively.

For the most part, our hearts know about love, and how to protect and
cultivate a loving atmosphere.

We love our men, and they can be so supportive, but our men also like war games, and weapons of destruction.

The fear/ego/power based part of their male brains is designed to create walls of protection for us.
However the walls close us off and make others wrong. They kill others they feel are wrong.

Fear and intellect overrides their hearts and they forget that true protection and safety is based on love and connection.
It is not their fault. It is their condition. I am not saying women don’t do this, but look at history and you will
factually see we created millions of times less suffering.

It is time that women step forward and put forth our truth based on our
innate goodness and loving feelings toward humanity. We can create
businesses that will grow the truth of connection, not separation.

We can feel and see that time is running out to help each other on this Earth.

What idea do you have brewing Ms.? It might take some planning and research, but
you have time. You KNOW it is worth it. What do you feel? What does your life stand for?

Instead of competing with other women for a man’s love and attention, support and connect with
one another to greatness and goodness.

To be continued…

Love, Stefani

La primera guía extensa y comprensible para instructores y estudiantes de yoga en español, que incluye todos los detalles sobre cómo ajustar y asistir a alguien mientras realiza una postura de yoga. Con la reciente popularidad que el yoga ha adquirido, este libro es particularmente invaluable para millones de personas que enseñan o practican esta disciplina, pues las claras instrucciones y la generosa cantidad de fotos facilitan a los instructores el aprendizaje y la comprensión para asistir a sus estudiantes. Los estudiantes también pueden utilizar esta guía para profundizar en su práctica personal y aplicar los principios en parejas. Aquí se demuestran y explican las técnicas de ajuste y asistencia para más de 65 posturas, ilustradas con alrededor de 200 fotos.

Usted puede aprender:

* Como ajustar y asistir a alguien mientras realiza una postura de yoga

* Como ejecutar ajustes utilizando mecánicas corporales efectivas

* Múltiples variantes de como ajustar en una postura

* Frases que pueden ayudar a sus estudiantes o parejas/compañeros de yoga

* Maneras de acomodar diferentes tipos de cuerpos

* Como ayudar a sus estudiantes a profundizar en las posturas de manera segura

La comunidad internacional de yoga se beneficiará enormemente con este libro.

“Pienso que tu libro es fabuloso. Tengo muchos libros de yoga, todos reconocidos internacionalmente por algunos de los Yogis más famosos en el mundo. Aún así llevo largo tiempo buscando “este” libro, con simples, aplicables y manejables técnicas para asistir a mis estudiantes mientras realizan posturas. Encuentro tu libro naturalmente amigable sin ser intimidante ni pretencioso. Es una gran herramienta para instructores y estudiantes en entrenamiento. Me gusta mucho el hecho de que tus modelos sean gente “real”; todos con diferentes tipos de cuerpo y niveles variados en su práctica. Me gustaría utilizar tu libro en mi propio programa de entrenamiento”. – Violeta Pastor Wilson, Entrenadora de Instructores de Yoga, Fundadora de la Alianza Canadiense de Yoga.

La primera guía extensa y comprensible para instructores y estudiantes de yoga en español, que incluye todos los detalles sobre cómo ajustar y asistir a alguien mientras realiza una postura de yoga. Con la reciente popularidad que el yoga ha adquirido, este libro es particularmente invaluable para millones de personas que enseñan o practican esta disciplina, pues las claras instrucciones y la generosa cantidad de fotos facilitan a los instructores el aprendizaje y la comprensión para asistir a sus estudiantes.

Los estudiantes también pueden utilizar esta guía para profundizar en su práctica personal y aplicar los principios en parejas. Aquí se demuestran y explican las técnicas de ajuste y asistencia para más de 65 posturas, ilustradas con alrededor de 200 fotos.

Usted puede aprender:

* Como ajustar y asistir a alguien mientras realiza una postura de yoga
* Como ejecutar ajustes utilizando mecánicas corporales efectivas
* Multiples variantes de como ajustar en una postura
* Frases que pueden ayudar a sus estudiantes o parejas/compañeros de yoga
* Maneras de acomodar diferentes tipos de cuerpos
* Como ayudar a sus estudiantes a profundizar en las posturas de manera segura

La comunidad internacional de yoga se beneficiará enormemente con este libro.

“Pienso que tu libro es fabuloso. Tengo muchos libros de yoga, todos reconocidos internacionalmente por algunos de los Yogis más famosos en el mundo. Aún así llevo largo tiempo buscando “este” libro, con simples, aplicables y manejables técnicas para asistir a mis estudiantes mientras realizan posturas. Encuentro tu libro naturalmente amigable sin ser intimidante ni pretencioso. Es una gran herramienta para instructores y estudiantes en entrenamiento. Me gusta mucho el hecho de que tus modelos sean gente “real”; todos con diferentes tipos de cuerpo y niveles variados en su práctica. Me gustaría utilizar tu libro en mi propio programa de entrenamiento”. – Violeta Pastor Wilson, Entrenadora de Instructores de Yoga, Fundadora de la Alianza Canadiense de Yoga.

I just got here to Tulum, Mexico a week ago and for the most part it has been raining since I landed.

This morning I visited the Tulum ruins with some friends during a brief hour that the sun came out. These Mayan ruins have been there for hundreds of years perched right on the edges of the cliffs over the Caribbean ocean. No hurricane has destroyed them yet. The Mayan people must have sensed this was a safe spot. The thought is possibly giving me a false sense of safety.

Tropical storm IDA may turn into a hurricane tonight. The hurricane center has now posted a watch from Tulum northward. Ahhhhh, El Caribe! So much water! My feet are getting shriveled and all my towels are wet and soggy. What to do now? I have a few leaks in my roof that will certainly get bigger tomorrow. More wet towels.

I have been through 3 hurricanes here now. They are so unpredictable, but this one seems mild compared to Emily, Wilma and Dean. There is this feeling of suspension every time. You really can’t continue doing what you normally do, but yet there are so many hours before you actually know if you should prepare. You have to do SOMETHING.

So, I just put a few things away out in the garden, but then thought I better take a shower because water and electric could go out.

Now I ‘m writing this short little blog so I can keep visiting the National Hurricane Center web site. In hurricanes past I experience this temporary sense of purpose. The immediacy of it kicks in your survival instincts.

Oops, otta go. It’s almost 7pm. Time for the next NHCC public advisory.

Getting my mom to laugh before her various illnesses and progressing state of vascular dementia was challenging. How odd. Now, she laughs more.

What a gift. Even if it is only once and a while, it is a gift.

Just for a moment her dark house with curtains on every window, lit up.

The other day I was helping her change her socks and shoes, or maybe I was putting on her comfy white slippers?? I don’t remember. Because of her congestive heart failure, sometimes her feet swell up. I looked at her feet and said to her in a straight voice, “your toes look like little cocktail party sausages!’

Well, she howled. Tears, snot, and drool streamed from her face. I was delighted.

This is something that I probably never would have said to her in the past. Maybe because the tone in her house was always so serious and a bit depressing. Or maybe because I never helped her put her shoes on before.

To me it seems that the little bit of dementia that has set in has created a sort of “giddy forgetfulness” in her — as if she has always just had one glass of wine. It appears that she is happier now that she can’t think, or should I say over-think, so much.

I bet we all could use a bit this type of forgetfulness. It seems her illness has brought her more into the present moment.

Who would have thunk it? Dementia = yoga.

For the last 6 years I have only riden around town on my bicycle in this medium-sized, Caribbean Mexican town, but over these past 3 weeks I have had a rental car. I experienced the town in a whole new way, and my new perspective brought about a revelation about my recovery process relative to my last relationship—the one that took me over 6 months to get over.

A few years ago, in the midst of the chaos of our somewhat codependent, dramatic relationship I had the thought, ” some day I’m going to drive by his place and it will be like driving by any other house on this block.” It was one of those surreal moments when I zoomed out of the confusion of the current situation into a more balanced future.

And my intuition was right! It is amazing how real and intense something can be one day, and then another day be completely different.

Well, it’s not totally accurate to say that driving by his house was exactly the same as any other house because we are still friends now, but there certainly were no charged emotions: no longing, no heart-ache, no fear, no suspicion, and no excitement when I drove by. I realized, “well, what da ya know, I am really finally over him!”

If people tell you that they think you are still not over your ex, or if you have any lingering doubt yourself about your feelings for him or her, do a drive by.

I don’t suggest doing the drive by if you already have his stuff loaded into your back seat, and you’re ready to chuck it onto his front lawn or driveway (yes, I did this during the first month after the break up).

Notice your thoughts and feelings before, during and after the drive by. Passing by their house can give you some clues about any unresolved tensions, passions, obsessions, or resentments that may be lurking in your unconscious mind.

You may be pleasantly, or unpleasantly surprised by your experience.

Well, it is a long, long standing tradition that my mother must comment on my hair, for some reason, every time I see her. Even yesterday, after 3 weeks in her hospital bed, in and out of states of delirium and dementia. I hoped that maybe this time the goodnight-goodbye “I love you” could just have ended at that…sweet and silent. But noooooo. It STILL had to be followed by a comment about my hair.

By the way, I happen to LIKE my hair. Well, sometimes.

A month ago at my only uncle’s funeral service she just couldn’t help but toss a comment. There I was, feeling a little prettier than usual, and dressed up for the occasion. Hell, even my long lost cousins said I looked great (at 48 this feels like a nice compliment). Mom turned to look at me. I thought she was going to blurt out something special, deep, or touching. After all, we were at a funeral. She just uttered, “You need to condition your hair.”

I know intellectually that it’s coming from her love for me, but it never FEELS that way when it happens. I feel like a Barbie doll.

Yes, I admit it. The button is still there to be pushed. There is yet more work to do on my part.

This last time in the hospital I asked more though. I am actually becoming more intrigued by the phenomenon. It may seem like a small thing to you, but it was good for me to become inquisitive, and not just react. “Why are you still so obsessed about my hair?” I asked her. “I remember how it used to be.” She replied. “But I am almost 50 years old now!” my voice a little too loud for a rehab nursing home. I left the hospital, still mystified by her constant focus on my hair.

So, I wonder what today’s humid, NJ weather will do for my hair. I’m going to the hospital to see her. Let’s see what she has to say!

If you have had similar experiences, please feel free to post a comment. It is so fascinating, isn’t it?