Becoming Aware of What We’re Not Aware of

Befriend the Opposite

Or put in more psychological terms: making the unconscious, conscious.

Or said in more spiritual terms: shining the light on our darkness or shadow side.

So, if we don’t know that we are acting or reacting to circumstances and people in our life out of some unconscious patterning from our past or childhood, how do we then become aware of it?

Here are things that give me a clue that I have gone into an unconscious pattern response:

1. I feel numb and my life energy shuts down
2. My mind seeks to blame when I hurt
3. My partner will tell me or point it out! (not easy, but a quick reminder!)
4. I don’t smile, dance, or listen to music as much
5. My voice sounds irritated
6. I get defensive
7. I get very independent
8. My partner will notice that I am not being my true Self!

What do YOU do when you are hurt or reactive?
Do you see any correlation to what you may have done in response to dysfunctional family patterns?

Bless those that mirror us even though it is so painful!

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Wiping the Dirt Off the Window of Our Hearts

Dancing on the Edges of my Perfect Imperfections

Dancing on the edges of my perfect imperfections, with each sweeping step I slough off a little more of the dusty, caked on layers of experience from my past to love and see my partner and my self more clearly.

Love brings up all that is in its way to clear the path back to love.

An intimate relationship with our partner, children, or family members is a perfect place to get a good look at the unconscious soot that has covered our hearts and clouded our thinking.

“Dancing on the edges of my perfect imperfections.” It sounds so poetic, doesn’t it? Yet in those brief, chaotic moments of experiencing my judgements, heart closing down, or projection of my fears on my partner, I am far from feeling elegant or Rumi-like.

Love brings up all that is in its way to clear the path back to love.

Where else could I get such a quick and thorough dose of my own medicine?

Our nervous system is hijacked (fight, flight, freeze) when we’re triggered by something deeply unconscious, or mildly or severely traumatic (I recommend books and videos by Dr. Peter Levine PhD http://www.traumahealing.com/somatic-experiencing/peter-levine.html, trauma recovery through Somatic Experiencing). It is like being pulled out to sea in an undertow. We long for the safety of the shoreline, but there we stay thrashing about for what is usually a little while, but may feel like an eternity.

Self awareness is key to coming back to shore. We can feel and sense into part of our body that feels grounded and peaceful – a technique to stay present to what is real and what is happening to us. Attention to the breath is often a wonderful place to anchor ourselves to the moment, but at these times of heightened reactivity our erratic breath may not be the best anchor.

Conscious relationship IS a daring path to enlightenment for some of us. I think it is a warrior’s path to enlightenment – not for the meek or weak-hearted.

I am grateful for all the master teachers out there that put themselves through hell to share tools for working with ourselves (Robert Augustus Masters http://www.RobertMasters.com, Dr. Peter Levine, Lorin Roche, jsut to name a few.)
I am grateful that in this lifetime, I am naturally committed to taking responsiblity for my reactions through deep reflection, meditation, or consulting with friends or therapists.

I will end with a poem by Lorin Roche (http://www.LorinRoche.com)…

“You don’t have to change yourself.
You don’t have to sit still.
You don’t have to sit cross-legged.
You don’t have to make your mind blank.
You don’t have to calm down.”

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Gauging Your Post-Relationship Progress: Driving By Your Ex’s Place

For the last 6 years I have only riden around town on my bicycle in this medium-sized, Caribbean Mexican town, but over these past 3 weeks I have had a rental car. I experienced the town in a whole new way, and my new perspective brought about a revelation about my recovery process relative to my last relationship—the one that took me over 6 months to get over.

A few years ago, in the midst of the chaos of our somewhat codependent, dramatic relationship I had the thought, ” some day I’m going to drive by his place and it will be like driving by any other house on this block.” It was one of those surreal moments when I zoomed out of the confusion of the current situation into a more balanced future.

And my intuition was right! It is amazing how real and intense something can be one day, and then another day be completely different.

Well, it’s not totally accurate to say that driving by his house was exactly the same as any other house because we are still friends now, but there certainly were no charged emotions: no longing, no heart-ache, no fear, no suspicion, and no excitement when I drove by. I realized, “well, what da ya know, I am really finally over him!”

If people tell you that they think you are still not over your ex, or if you have any lingering doubt yourself about your feelings for him or her, do a drive by.

I don’t suggest doing the drive by if you already have his stuff loaded into your back seat, and you’re ready to chuck it onto his front lawn or driveway (yes, I did this during the first month after the break up).

Notice your thoughts and feelings before, during and after the drive by. Passing by their house can give you some clues about any unresolved tensions, passions, obsessions, or resentments that may be lurking in your unconscious mind.

You may be pleasantly, or unpleasantly surprised by your experience.

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